DEEP WATER: What If GONE GIRL Sucked?

Deep Water is a lot of things. A “good” movie is not one of them. But a “fun” movie? Well, kind of. And yet I somehow still kind of had a good time watching it? It’s weird. It doesn’t really fit into the “so bad it’s good” category. Lots of the technical aspects are well done, and Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas do have pretty good chemistry. It’s a fun time, if not a fun movie. It’s absurd and outrageous, but not as absurd and outrageous as you would hope. I don’t know. If that little rambling doesn’t make sense, welcome to the world of Deep Water.

Deep Water is complete nonsense, so I’m going to change things up here. This won’t be a regular review, but rather just my stream of consciousness from watching the movie. Pretty much full spoilers will follow.

Ana de Armas in Deep Water (2022)
Ana de Armas as Melinda Van Allen in ‘Deep Water’ (2022) / Hulu
  1. Ben Affleck (Vic) wore sneakers and no socks while on a bike ride?
  2. Ana de Armas (Melinda) turns off “Old Macdonald” and yells at Alexa to “never play that shit again”
  3. Melinda sees a blonde guy at a party and immediately pulls him away to dance
  4. Then she starts making out with him the backyard?
  5. Apparently doesn’t care if other people see this?
  6. Vic sees it, and Melinda sees Vic see her, but she only kind of looks coyly away
  7. I think Vic openly hates his wife? But nobody sees how obvious it is and instead are convinced he loves her?
  8. Melinda drunk sings for the entire party, very evocative of Megan in “Mad Men”
  9. Except some people actually start singing along instead of slinking away with how awkward this was?
  10. Vic strongly insinuates to Joel, the previously unnamed blonde man, that he had something to do with another man going missing who had also been previously “seeing his wife”
  11. Whoops, then he outright says, “I killed him.”
  12. Melinda lights up a cigarette after leaving the party, thus continuing the tradition of insanely good-looking people making smoking look super cool
  13. Melinda eats an apple on the way from the party, just an awful choice for drunk food
  14. Immediately after getting home, Melinda drops the top down from her dress, but uh-oh the babysitter is still there
  15. Melinda fails to see why this was a poor decision, instead complaining that Vic is “suffocating” her
  16. Vic owns snails? Sure, why not
  17. Their daughter, Trixie, while building something, asks Vic if he knew she “had it on there wrong” but I heard it as “Did you know I had another mom?” and honestly, that would have been awesome
  18. Vic’s maybe/maybe not joke about murder has gotten around to “so many people” now
  19. Melinda and Vic get into a fight about Vic’s threat, but I’m sorry, Melinda, I can’t take anybody seriously if they’re talking with a mouth full of toothpaste
  20. Joel’s name is Joel Dash
  21. Vic tells Trixie, again, their daughter (their very young daughter) that Joel is a friend of her mom’s, “Kinda like Martin McRae. Remember him?” Father of the Year right here.
  22. Vic says Melinda has the “palate of a 12 year old” and it’s supposed to be a joke but it’s definitely not
  23. Once again, I’m pretty sure he openly hates his wife
  24. Melinda tells Trixie that “Dad is going to read you a bunch of bedtime stories” so I can only assume she and Joel are about to get down to it
  25. I’m not a parent so I can’t speak to this, but that seems like an interesting parenting choice
  26. Vic cock-blocks Joel
  27. Oh hey, Tracy Letts is here!
  28. Vic builds web apps and publishes a magazine, but mainly rides his mountain bike
  29. Oh wait, he also built chips for military drones, a real well-rounded guy, this Vic
  30. Apparently the Letts character, who didn’t know Vic before now, has also heard about the Martin McRae murder rumor
  31. It really feels like this movie wants to be Gone Girl
  32. Melinda gives Vic some good old-fashioned road head on the drive home from this most recent party
  33. Never mind, it was only a ruse so she could bite him as payback for Vic dancing with another woman, Kelly, at the party
  34. Double standard, no?
  35. The two actually then sleep together
  36. Weird that the married couple sleeping together is so far the most surprising thing to happen
  37. Oh hello, Jacob Elordi
  38. Showing up in Sam Levinson script can’t be good news for you
  39. Police find Martin McRae’s body, showing he had been shot to death, after Vic told Joel he killed Martin with a hammer
  40. Not sure if that helps or hurts Vic’s “it was all a joke” claim
  41. Cigarette #2 for Melinda, might need to go buy a pack
  42. Sure, get a dog, that will fix everything
  43. “Old Macdonald” is playing again, I guess Melinda’s threat to Alexa didn’t take
  44. “I’m glad the police caught that guy” Vic’s friend tells him
  45. They don’t specify anything, but it has to be Martin McRae’s killer, right?
  46. The snails are back
  47. If there’s no payoff to the snails, their inclusion will be a huge wtf
  48. 45 minutes in and there’s still no real plot but I’m weirdly kind of enjoying it?
  49. Why do subtitles spell it “come” when it’s clearly the other one?
  50. Melinda doesn’t think Vic loves her, and again, SAME.
  51. Turns out Melinda thinks her affairs keep Vic from getting bored
  52. Another party?
  53. Is that all they do?
  54. What about the biking that Vic apparently does with most of his time?
  55. Melinda, drunk again (no surprise), orchestrates (pardon the pun) another musical moment but at least she lets Charlie (Elordi) take the reigns this time
  56. Tracy Letts looks disgusted with what’s happening
  57. Same Tracy, same
  58. While Charlie plays, Melinda starts giving Vic an OTPHJ
  59. Uh-oh, Charlie drowned.
  60. In a moment of pure comedic genius, other party-goers lift him out of the pool, only to drop him, where he bangs his head on the side of the pool and falls back in. Inspired stuff.
  61. Vic starts giving him CPR, which seems like a bad choice
  62. Melinda tells the police she thinks Vic killed Charlie
  63. Screaming “I’m not f*cking upset!” would typically lead people to believe you’re upset
  64. Melinda tells Vic she’s not scared of him because, “I’m the thing you killed for.”
  65. I get the sense she might like that Vic kills these guys?
  66. Still getting Gone Girl-wannabe vibes
  67. Another biking scene, there we go!
  68. Vic invites Don (Tracy Letts) and Kelly over for dinner
  69. Vic, naturally, shows Don his snails
  70. Don asks if Vic would take a lie detector test to prove he didn’t kill Martin McRae
  71. “Just remember, it’s not a lie, if you believe it.”
  72. Don and Melinda hire an investigator to follow Vic, but because he’s a genius (his friend’s words, not mine), he makes him right away
  73. Vic confronts the two at Don’s home, interrupting a perfectly lovely family lunch
  74. “Go inside, Goldie!”
  75. How are there still 40 minutes left in this movie?
  76. Why does Trixie know that Charlie died???
  77. Why does she even know who he is in the first place?
  78. Oh right, it’s because this family is insane
  79. Trixie, poor sweet Trixie, insists her father tell her how he committed murder
  80. “I still think you drowned him, you’re just telling me you didn’t.” says the adorable six year old, with a smile on her face
  81. After seeing Melinda with some other guy, Tony Cameron, he shows up to the house and meets Vic, where else, in his snail garden
  82. Tony is “an old friend” of Melinda’s…duh
  83. “Fun fact, Tony was the first American I f*cked.”
  84. Yes, Melinda, that is a very fun fact that I’m sure your jealous and possibly-but-almost-certainly murderous husband will be sure to enjoy
  85. “No, the snails aren’t for eating.”
  86. “Then what are they for?”
  87. “They’re not for anything.”
  88. If that’s all that comes from the snail story, I want to smack Adrian Lyne, Sam Levinson, and Zach Helm upside the head
  89. Vic takes Tony to a secluded area in the woods
  90. He’s totally going to murder Tony, right?
  91. Vic straight up murders Tony
  92. Throws a rock that hits him the head
  93. Throws another rock that hits him in the stomach, causing him to fall down a ridge and seemingly break his neck hitting a rock
  94. Hilariously inefficient way of murdering someone that somehow works to perfection
  95. Vic weighs Tony’s body down with rocks and dumps in the river
  96. At least it will be 100% clear this was murder and not an accident
  97. Wait, I think you’d actually rather have people believe it was an accident, right?
  98. How are there still 25 minutes left?
  99. Vic gives Trixie a small taste of wine, continuing his campaign for Father of the Year
  100. We finally get to the picnic scene from that first teaser trailer
  101. Immediately goes from erotic to disturbing, knowing that their daughter is right around there somewhere
  102. Vic goes back to the river to…move Tony’s body around with a stick?
  103. Because, “the killer always returns to the scene of the crime,” amirite?
  104. Don stumbles upon him, because why?
  105. Was he following him? What about the PI?
  106. Or was it because it was time to get to the climax (for once in this movie)?
  107. Don drives off and Vic chases him on his bike
  108. Melinda is packing a suitcase, seemingly planning to leave Vic
  109. Trixie dumps the suitcase in the pool
  110. Trixie is going to be one f-ed up adult…and teenager…and pre-teen
  111. Vic took a shortcut and somehow catches up to Don
  112. In a balls wild last ditch effort, Vic throws himself on the road in front of Don’s car, banking on the hope that Don will swerve to avoid hitting the person he thinks is a scumbag murderer
  113. Yep, that’s exactly what happens and Don drives off a small cliff. Bye Don.
  114. Vic returns home and we have a nearly exact recreation of the opening scene
  115. Like, I’m fairly certain they just reused Ana de Armas’ footage
  116. Melinda knows Vic killed Tony and now chooses to stay with him?
  117. It sure seems like she’s going to keep bringing guys around for him to kill
  118. Well that was something else.
  119. As trashy-fun as this (kind of) was, we’re still waiting for the triumphant return of the erotic thriller
Ana de Armas and Ben Affleck in Deep Water (2022)
Ana de Armas and Ben Affleck as Vic and Melinda Van Allen in ‘Deep Water’ (2022) / Hulu

Score: 35/100

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