Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, the fifth entry in the Jurassic Park series, is a dumb movie. And not in a “dumb fun” kind of way. It’s dumb in a “I can’t believe someone actually approved this script” kind of way. I liked 2015’s Jurassic World well-enough so I was hopeful that Fallen Kingdom would at least maintain that level, if not improve on it. Seeing what resulted was about as disappointed I’ve been in a movie in a while. I should have known better.
The movie actually starts out fairly promising. The opening scene is, unfortunately, the best scene in the movie. It’s intense, brooding, dramatic, you get great looks at. a few dinosaurs, essentially everything you want out of a Jurassic Park movie. But then it just goes downhill from there. Let’s start with the plot. Owen Grady (Chris Pratt) and Claire Wearing (Bryce Dallas Howard) attempt to stop an illegal dinosaur auction and then stop the madness once that inevitably all descends into madness. Yes, that’s the real plot of this movie. I know, right? But as my man Billy Mays would tell us, “Wait, there’s more!”
Here’s how we get there. Claire and Owen are tricked into going back to Isla Nublar in a rescue effort to save the dinosaurs from an impending volcanic eruption. It’s not a spoiler to say that, since there’s no way anybody actually would believe the “let’s save the dinosaurs” plan was at any point the real plan. The film’s villain is of course initially presented as a good guy. But that lasts for about 10 seconds, if that long.
Then there’s the issue of Maisie, the completely stereotypical precocious youngster. Her story arc is predictable from start to finish, with one (dumb) exception. Maisie is the granddaughter of Sir Benjamin Lockwood, John Hammond’s former partner. Her mother died a car crash and her identity is unknown to the viewers. It’s implied that there is a certain level of significance to who her mother is. I won’t say whether or not this issue is fully resolved by the end of the movie, but however the film leaves it, it’s wholly unsatisfying.
You’ll likely remember from the previous entry that there was considerable talk surrounding Claire being in heels for most of the movie. Well, director J.A. Bayona heard the fans and took matters into his hands. And what we got was a few forced close-ups of Claire…wearing…BOOTS. Yes, she was wearing appropriate footwear and the film made sure we knew it! If they wanted to cheekily address it once, fine. But that’s not how they handled it which made it very much not fine.
There’s more, but it’s not really worth going over, at least not in too much detail. I’ll knock out the rest of the non-spoiler bad parts in a quick bullet list.
- The movie 100% telegraphs a big part of the final battle.
- One of the dinosaurs cries. I’ll say that one again. A FREAKING DINOSAUR CRIES.
- The auction prices are hilariously low. Obviously there’s no basis for what living dinosaurs would go for on the black market, but I’m certain it would be incredibly higher than what’s depicted in the movie.
- I legitimately laughed when one of the twists was revealed. Funny was not the intent.
- There is a post credits scene, but it’s totally pointless. It only lasts a few seconds and it doesn’t show anything you couldn’t have inferred from the film’s ending.
- People are dumb and make dumb decisions, over and over and over and over…I think you get the idea.
- Jeff Goldblum was underused, almost to the point that his appearance wasn’t even necessary to the movie. Hopefully he’ll show up again in the next one and in a more prominent role.
I’ll at least end with something positive. For the most part, the dinosaurs looked great. There was one really bad scene during the chaos at the Lockwood estate. But other than that I don’t have any complaints about this aspect. The dinosaurs, along with the opening scene and a couple of other non-terrible scenes, helped make this movie utterly disappointing rather than a complete and total failure.
Movie: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Starring: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard
Genre: Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi
Rated: Sequences of sci-fi violence, mild language
Rating: 60/100
