Would you like to watch players that couldn’t make an NFL bench attempt to revive their careers in a league not guaranteed to last a full season? Well let me tell you about an exciting opportunity this coming Saturday…
The XFL is back, and Vince McMahon is in charge once again. Now 74 years old, McMahon is extremely out of touch with his original and other current business, the WWE. As a longtime fan of WWE, I can no longer make it through a full episode of Monday Night Raw or SmackDown Live, in large part due to his poor creative choices and lack of overall direction.
While childhood fans like me have grown up and matured, the product has regressed and lacks meaningful stories. Long, dragging speeches, poop jokes, and poorly acted family drama about affairs are the bulk of WWE’s weekly offerings. The company employs almost a hundred extremely gifted athletes that could be showcasing their talents every week, but only everybody would prefer to watch that.
Where am I going with all of this?
The XFL has no chance of lasting more than a couple years. There is nobody more qualified to run the WWE than McMahon, and he can’t even do that properly. We saw the AAF fold mid-season in 2019 after starting up the week after the Super Bowl. The XFL seems to be following a similar schedule and will likely have a similar fate. However, this doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy it while it is here.
Shortly after the reveal of the XFL team names in 2018 came a logo and full description for each of them. The logos look like the generic create-a-team logos you could find in Madden. The descriptions read like bad amateur poetry – the kind children would write, trying to use big words with meanings they don’t yet know. Or perhaps the kind an adult could put together in 15 minutes, specifically trying to appeal to a grandpa having a late-life crisis and no sense of modern culture.
Take a look for yourselves on the XFL’s official website:
If you don’t feel like reading all eight of them, here is the description for the team I’ve determined is my favorite, the New York Guardians. On a scale of horrible-to-10, I’d give this one an “oh no.”
Sentries carved of stone. Watchdogs over the metropolis. A prehistoric predator. A beast evolves, turned loose in a new kind of jungle. All teeth and talons, eyes unblinking. They know fear because they feed off it. They are your first line of defense, and there is no need for a second. The New York Guardians. On duty.
Some of my favorite excerpts from other teams’ descriptions:
Dallas Renegades
“Where big meets bold meets badass.”
“This is their home on the range.”
Los Angeles Wildcats
“This is primetime meets primal instinct.”
“This is showtime with a snarl.”
Houston Roughnecks (unreal name for a 2020 sports franchise)
“Unceasing and often unseen, they labor deep in the trenches.”
“The Houston Roughnecks. Going to work for you.”
Unfortunately, for both you and me, I can’t just stop here. I’ve taken it upon myself to come up with names and descriptions for a few more teams I’m sure McMahon would love to add by 2021. As a fan of greatness in general, my first expansion team is dedicated to one of the truly elite athletes of this century. I’ve already dedicated a full post to him and his family, but there’s no limit to my admiration.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Forth WorthFeds:
Jackets decked with gold badges of honor. A witty charm lies beneath the classy exterior. Patient and pleasant. And precise. And perfect. Multiplying exponentially, the world is blessed with their divine genes. They put the ‘men’ in ‘fundamentals” Smart. Tactful. Flowing. Time stands still on the Rolexes of immortals. Who needs guns when you have calves like these? The Fort Worth Feds. Pure as F***.
As we count down to the beginning of the XFL season on Saturday, February 8th, there will be more fake expansion teams to come. By all means, please come up with your own and share them in the comments. Like the St. Louis Battlehawks, you are cleared to engage.
