The age old question is upon us once again, what to do for Valentine’s Day? Well this year might be a little trickier than most. For the first time since 1945, Valentine’s Day falls on Ash Wednesday. No that does not mean Ashy Larry is making his return to World Series of Dice on ESPN ‘The Ocho’.
Being that I am not Catholic, I couldn’t tell you the significance of Ash Wednesday besides it is the first day of Lent, the day I “give up sweets” until Easter…which happens to fall on April Fools Day…so I am like the Browns, 0-16, attempting to give up sweets for Lent. What a joke! After doing some digging on Catholics.org, I found out that, “Ash Wednesday opens Lent, a season of fasting and prayer.”
Now being that I can’t eat sweets, I am royally f’d for any type of Valentine’s Day date. Thankfully I don’t have to worry too much about the date issue as I have no girlfriend…Obviously because I am fat…Below are the pros and cons of not having a date:
Pros vs Cons of no V-Day Date
| PROS | CONS |
| Save at least $100 | Jill might be making a few visits |
| No flowers need to be purchased | 100% of binge eating alone |
| No wrong gifts purchased | Text from your mom to get a gf |
| Free to binge eat | Don’t get to see that tight black dress |
| Tear-free zone | Sleeping alone guaranteed |
But this year, if you are planning a date for a good Christian girl, you maybe in trouble. If she plans to abide by the rules of Lent and forgo a bad habit, your date could be ruined before it even begins. Following a Twitter poll from the last week conducted by Christianitytoday.com, these are some of the top votes for Lent in 2018:
Top 10 Lent Ideas
| 1 | Social Networking |
| 2 | Chocolate |
| 3 | Alcohol |
| 4 | Sweets |
| 5 | Meats |
| 6 | Coffee |
| 7 | Sex |
| 8 | Fast Food |
| 9 | Swearing |
| 10 | Soda |
If I was a betting man, “Bucks in 6”, Bae is going to choose one of these ideas for her Lent sacrifice. Being that most of us are not as blind as the Browns organization, we see the major issue that Ash Wednesday falling on Valentine’s Day; It can’t be done!
Consequences of Ash-Day
| Social Networking | Peace out $40 heart-shaped box of chocolate covered strawberries |
| Alcohol | Looks like I can cancel that Uber and drive |
| Soda | Spoke too soon, “Water and a milk, please” |
| Meat | Guess Texas de Brazil is no longer an option |
| Sweets | Even those delicious chalky candy hearts? |
| Coffee | That’s fine, no coffee breath in the bedroom |
| Sex | Hopefully Jill is still free on such late notice |
| Fast Food | But I am starving from eating fucking rabbit food at dinner |
| Swearing | Even when she says she will be ready at 7 but you don’t leave until 7:30 |
Although I am jealous of all of you that have dates, I am not trying to ruin your countless hours of planning for the perfect date that they could have made into an animated Disney movie. But not to worry, there is a way to not upset your girl, allow her to partake in Lent, and most importantly, keep the Big Man upstairs happy with both of you.
Steps to the perfect Lent V-Day
Issue – You may want to wine and dine her at that new yuppie restaurant down the block, but she gave up Social Media and can’t post an Insta pic of you and her at dinner. (Let’s be honest, it’s all about that food pic)
Solution – Have a pajama party at home under candle light with some wine, pizza, and her favorite dessert. Too dark for pictures, sweats are not Insta worthy, “Why don’t you just meet me in the middle”, and who knows, you might get laid after all.
2. She is all that you need (Heaven by DJ Sammy)
Issue – Whatever you do is somehow affected by a Lent sacrifice.
Solution – Truly she is all that matters to you on V-Day. You can be stranded on an island and still be happy to celebrate V-Day with her. Don’t fret the small things, “And love is all that you need, And I found it there in your heart”
And if all else fails, fuck it and indulge in a frozen Hungry Man dinner, sign into your PornHub account, and rip a bowl on the couch in your boxers. OH WHALE!!
Wander in the woods of wonders
